20 Lessons from My 20s

As I enter my thirties, I reflect on all that I have learned over the past decade.

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This month, I turned 30.

As a child, this number seemed incredibly far off. Like a “galaxy, far, far away,” kind of off.

I enthusiastically awaited adulthood and all the privileges that it afforded me:
The freedom to see whoever you want.
The choice to eat whatever you want.
The time to do anything whenever you want.
The ability to go wherever you want.

And so on and so forth.

With my childlike creativity, I fantasized about future me and the life she would have. I imagined myself to be married to my high school sweetheart with 3 kids and living in our house in the suburbs with our golden retriever.

Currently, I have actualized none of these things.
And neither do I want any of these things.
At least, not for right now.

Our wants and desires may morph as we mature, but what does not waver are the lessons imparted upon us. We can only grow and build upon them with each successive year. (Or so we hope!)

1. Try everything.

Understanding your personal psyche is complex. The best way to develop a sense of self is to try everything and anything that piques your interest.
How are you supposed to know who you are and what you want if you have not exposed yourself to it?

2. Do what brings you joy and the appropriate people and opportunities will present themselves.

Having a shared activity to talk about and do together makes it easier to develop friendships. Making connections brings you to the forefront of that person’s mind when there’s something they think you’ll be interested in. Thus, furthering the path of unique, personally-catered opportunities.

3. Quality over quantity.

Establishing long-lasting friendships as an adult requires careful effort. Unlike middle school, high school, or college, there aren’t a multitudinous amount of people who have little to no responsibilities or obligations and have the time and money to hang out all the time. (Unless of course, you happen to be a cast member of a reality TV show.)
We have to be protective of our time and energy and who we entrust that to. Additionally, having a more intimate circle of companions ensures that you are able to give the proper time and attention required to grow and develop that relationship.
Spending time together builds comfort, comfort breeds trust, and trust develops intimacy.

4. A red flag is only a red flag if you see it as a red flag.

Red flags apply to any kind of relationship, whether they’re romantic, platonic, professional. When you understand yourself, you understand what values you hold yourself to and how you would like to see that in the people you surround yourself with.
What are you willing to overlook in order to coexist peacefully with others?

5. Stay true to your word.

Commit to what you say and follow up with what you do.
You are committing to two people when you do so: yourself and the party that you have promised. This demonstrates a level of integrity and honor. When a promise is not realized, trust is deteriorated.

6. Be logical with your emotions.

I am a sensitive individual. I feel and lead with my heart. This complicates decision-making, seeing as emotions are mercurial.
To reign myself in, I try to look at the whole picture and wait for emotions to pass to take a more objective view of the situation at hand. Acting on extreme highs and lows will only bring you to regret faster.

7. You should never have to convince someone to love you.

We all carry a certain level of people-pleasing attributes within us. It’s one thing to want to make someone happy. It’s another thing to make them happy at our own expense, usually in the form of hiding our true intentions for fear of withdrawn love or overextending ourselves.
If this person truly cares for you, then you won’t have to persuade them to care. And they will be willing to work with your needs.

8. Live within your means.

Ahh, yes. Financial responsibility.
When you’ve never had money before, it’s very easy to get swept away by the magical buying power of your first real paycheck and credit cards.
This is where friends and respect for personal values is important. If your group spends $500 per person on a regular Saturday night, then you too will find yourself buying/eating/drinking/socializing your way into bankruptcy.

9. Impermanence is permanent.

Those negative emotions you’re feeling? They’ll pass.
I know it feels as if we will be frozen in this manner forever, but we’ve been through it. We’ve made it through every single “worst moment of our lives.“

10. If you wait for perfection, you’ll never start.

You don’t need 6-pack abs to show yourself in a bikini.
Your blog doesn’t have to be reviewed by 5 people before you post it.
I think it was from this book, about how women feel the need to fulfill 110% of a job listing’s requirements in order to apply; whereas, men will be under qualified as hell but still shoot their shot. And guess who gets the promotion?

11. If you believe, you can achieve.

The only one who can accomplish things for you is well, you.
You have the power to change your own life.
Don’t let things like public scrutiny, fear of judgment, fear of failure, etc etc bar you from becoming the “You,” you were meant to be.

12. You are the master of your own happiness.

I have found myself stressing over dinner plans (of all things) because I’m concerned about if the guests will like the location, the food, the drinks, the ambiance, the other attendees, etc.
The simplest way to deal with this would be to plan for myself.
Make myself happy.
You can only be responsible for your own emotions.

13. With every heartbreak, your ability to love grows even stronger.

After each dissolved romantic relationship, I am at an emotional low. I think to myself: “I’ll never find a love like this. This is horrible. I never want to experience this again. I’m just going to become a spinster.“
But then I heal.
I troubleshoot all those points of contention and learn how to love the next person better. I learn how to love myself better.

14. Make decisions for the person you want to be.

Something I’ve wanted to overcome for quite some time is social anxiety. The average person who meets me now would believe I have no issues, but it’s because I’ve built myself to this point.
I put in the work.
Slowly, I did more and more things that put me in discomfort, adapted to that discomfort, and then moved onto a higher level of discomfort.

15. We’re all narcissists.

The spotlight effect is a tendency in which we believe people are more preoccupied about us than they actually are. We’ve all had those moments where we perseverate on interactions or had a feeling that people were staring at us. In actuality, people are more concerned about their own well-being.

16. Loneliness is chronic.

When I caught coronavirus last month, I was in limited physical contact. I looked to my job, my friends, and my romantic partner and nitpicked.
Was I lonely because something was deficient in those relationships?
No, I simply felt a discomfort in my aloneness.

17. There is a time and place for relationships to flourish.

There are so many amazing and interesting people I’ve met in my lifetime. I wish I could be best friends with them all; however, location, time, circumstance, etc etc interfere.
The best thing we can do is enjoy the relationship while our paths our align and hope that they continue to align or will realign one day.

18. Place empathy before your ego.

When arguing, it’s instinctual to get defensive. We become attached to protecting our ego and choose ourselves over the relationship in our heightened emotional state.
But that is not the way to honor a commitment.
Empathize with the affected party. Allow them to speak their truth and be open to understanding their truth. You are likely “fighting” for the same outcome in different ways, or are having two completely separate arguments.

19. Remain intentional.

In disagreements, I have found myself offended by a person’s actions without gleaning into their intentions.
Question their motives and peer into why they do what they do and for what purpose does it serve. In general, I have come across more misunderstandings in communication than intention-to-hurt.

20. Attraction is not a choice. Intimacy is.

There is this inexplicable force that demands that we get to know a person. Whether they are physically attractive, you find them mentally stimulating, or some other reason as to why this human is so fascinating. What we can choose is how much time we spend with them and how deep we want the relationship to be.

I write this post as a reminder that in spite of discontentment in some of my current states of being, I have progressed.

That I am faring better than I think.

That I must practice compassion with myself and gratitude for everything that has happened in my life.

Cheers to 30.