A self-reflection on the resolution of one year at, what nursing school me would consider, her “dream” job. Is this what dreams are made of?
It’s around the one year mark of my time here in the intensive care unit. This was my dream job after college.
I actually interviewed here as a fresh post-grad, but due to some reason or other, was unable to start immediately. It took a year and some change, but I am incredibly thankful for my time on a regional medical-surgical unit. It taught me the foundational knowledge and skills I needed to make my transition to the ICU somewhat painless.
Despite being two years into the profession overall, I still find myself having the same thoughts and feelings as when I first started out.
Lesson Learned?
Whenever I’m sitting on a lesson, I think to myself that there are one of a few things happening here:
- I am not aware of the lesson.
2. The lesson has evolved and there are new challenges.
3. There’s nothing more to learn about this lesson, but I refuse to move on. Ahh, we love a good malingering.
3. I have achieved cognition about the lesson, but I haven’t had that *insert brain exploding emoji* moment yet.
What Ails Me?
I feel like I don’t know anything.
Despite it being a literal requirement to know anatomy, physiology, pharmacology, pathophysiology, and every -ology in between; etc, I feel unversed.
Why? Because I’m in a constant state of learning.
Research is developed. Practices change. New drugs come to market. Or a whole second wave of a pandemic you thought you laid to rest arises from the ashes. Again.
I am overwhelmed that there is much to know.
Where do I start? What do I become proficient in? Is this worth studying? And so on, so forth.
I am afraid that I will harm someone.
Everything I do at my job is meant to be beneficent.
But remember when we gave out blood transfusions like it was nobody’s business? And how from that, unsuspecting individuals developed HIV and hepatitis?
I think about how I could be inadvertently complicit in something like that. It’s a shame, but we are only as skilled and advanced as the science available to us.
My emotional limits have been pushed to near capacity.
On my current unit, I had my first unsuspecting death this year. I would define this as my career’s lowest.
I was so traumatized by the event that I could not show face at work the next shift.
My career is still in its infancy, so I’m in trepidation about the other “lows” I am to experience on this path.
Something deeper?
Something darker?
Who knows?
This isn’t meant to dissuade anyone from joining the profession, but more so to normalize the presence of negative emotions in the professional world. Especially one as glamorous (and unglamorous) as nursing.
It truly is a taxing profession on all fronts: mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Christine Vera Polintan 